I think I can honestly call this one "Me"

I sit here, feeling a heavy burden of words, phrases, thoughts, experiences damned up, having spent time waiting for the bloggy moment. They were so poignant, so pressing and vivid as I did them, thought them, created them but now they are all of a jumble. I meant, last time I managed to blog, to write what for me was going to be a momentous blog, relating major changes in our family's life, changes that have been afoot or astir since last summer. And I didn't get it done. So, the pent up morass seems even more dense. I'll see how much I manage to relate now...

I think that I stand upon a cusp, a precipice, into a new phase of my life. Early last summer, Lenny lost his job of eight years. It was initially a staggering blow as we've lived paycheck to paycheck, week to week for oh-so-long, probably ever since I quit my job when Fionna was 18 months, and we just began taking it one day at a time. The blow softened and then even transformed as my enormous, titanic relief became manifest that Lenny no longer was working a job that sucked so much of the marrow from our lives. We realized what it was to have time together, to make family commitments and plans and actually follow through. Of course, our ability to enjoy this time was much strengthened by the fact that my mom came through in a Herculean way and carried us financially for a few weeks. When Lenny found a job, I think about two-three weeks later, we realized that although a very ideal job (as another towing job it combines his apparent ideal profession with some more flexibility and respect for family needs, in a way the other job never did), we were making a little less than half of what we'd previously made. Again, my mom saved the day in making ends meet for us when our paycheck couldn't. This is not to say that life carried on as usual, with my mom footing the bill. We let our only vehicle go, now driving a 12-year-old repo'd car (very generously bestowed upon us by Lenny's new employers). Lots of bills went unpaid, luxuries certainly disappeared. I discovered what it is to be humble and seek assistance in the form of WIC and food stamps. But life went on and, again, was actually sweeter in so many ways.

So, this brings us to my own personal anticipated changes. We knew we could not continue to rely on my mom's support. The economy is hitting everyone, her no less than others. While work was an option, it weighed oh-so-heavily upon me to think of leaving my younger two before the time that Fionna and I had experienced separation (when she started school, at six). So, in an attempt to blend considerations, make money and prepare for the future, I'm returning to school, graduate school, at night and online. The "making" money part will come in the form of student loans. Further debt, yes, but positive debt with a definite goal in mind. I'm going to be pursuing an MA in Education, with the goal of becoming a Language Arts/English teacher. My ideal job would be community college/university classes but I'm sure I'll end up teaching high school first.

The pluses? Earning an income that, to my family living so meagerly, looks very posh. Having a schedule very similar to what my children will be following while in school. Not being on the job until very soon before or actually until Ainslie enters kindergarten.

The downside? Letting go of some dreams that weren't financially feasible but still have holds on my heart. Letting go of the option of full-time homeschooling my kids if we should ever opt for that. Re-entering the establishment and rat race that I was all too happy to kiss goodbye. The likelihood of having some overwhelming times as the dynamic of this household has always pretty well been that the kids, the house, the pets/garden/critters are all my domain.

So, perhaps, this sheds some light on why things, seemingly mundane, have seemed major to me. Life continues to go on and in a very swimming fashion. I have three happy, healthy and very busy children. I'm just trying to find my own path in the sometimes swampy terrain of how I continue to be the be-all-and-end-all for them (right now) and forge myself in new ways...

Well, I had more to say about my adventures of this morning (child-free, trying to repair our chicken coop, high comedy, yes) but my hands are too cold to type. Must seek hot (caffeinated, of course) beverage... ;) Ta!